Broken and Brave: Navigating Gratitude and Grief
Life is unpredictable and full of uncertainties; ups and downs are a constant.
Last year at this time, I was recovering in California after being discharged from the hospital for not one, but two brain surgeries to remove my “non-friend” tumor. Those events flipped my world in unexpected directions. My hearing on one side was taken (not that it worked well to begin with), and my balance became a struggle. Without a balance nerve or inner hearing structures on one side, the realities of life shifted suddenly.
It’s been a long road since. Recovery has been slow and steady, but it’s been happening, and life is at its new “normal.”
This summer, I was able to make several hikes over 12,000 feet. I was able to complete a 5 km run while nasal breathing only. I may not be able to tell what direction sounds are coming from, and I look silly spinning in circles to try to figure it out, but I’m out there, actively participating in life. I’m excited about the future, and I look forward to supporting numerous clients with the wealth of knowledge I’ve worked hard to build.
At the same time, my heart is heavy.
A dear, sweet lady I know is struggling with her own brain tumor. Only for her, surgery won’t fix the issue. I was fortunate enough to have an operable, non-malignant type of tumor. She, on the other hand, was diagnosed a mere two months ago with a glioblastoma, a very aggressive and often fatal type of brain tumor. As I write this, news from her family is that she is in her last days.
She has chosen to accept her position with a grace and dignity that exemplifies her trust in Jesus. She has been a light in a dark time for herself and her family.
I’ve struggled with conflicting emotions. I’m full of gratitude that I have essentially been given a new lease on life. Yet, I’m oddly guilty that I was granted that gift and she was not. It’s a hard sensation to explain.
Why am I sharing this?
To let you know that I’m right there with you, in the trenches of life. Trying to figure it all out, asking questions, and not always finding answers. I’m sharing this to give you encouragement.
You can do the hard things. With work and perseverance, you can do almost anything you set your mind to. People will give you limits on what your abilities “should” be, but you don’t have to listen to them. As long as you still have breath in your lungs and a beat in your heart, you can improve. Other people’s expectations of you can be exceeded. You CAN accomplish the things you desire.
At the same time, it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to reach out for support and ask for help when you need it. It’s okay to be grateful and sad at the same time.
Life doesn’t offer us tidy resolutions or easy answers for why one path leads to a mountaintop and another to a final goodbye. But maybe that’s the point. The goal isn't to find the “why,” but to discover the “how.” How do we show up for others, and maybe even more importantly, how do we show up for ourselves?
Whether you are celebrating a hard-won victory or experiencing the grief of a heavy heart, know that you don’t have to choose one emotion over another. We can be broken and brave, grateful and grieving, all at the same time.
No matter if you’ve just peaked a mountain or are scrambling to climb out of a valley, we’re all walking this journey together, figuring out the next step.
For myself, I will keep hiking, even if my balance falters. I will keep listening for the beauty in the world, even if I have to spin in circles to find it.
-Amy
If this resonated with you, I would be honored to hear your thoughts and support you. Please feel free to comment, or reach out via email. And if you are currently walking through your own valley, may these words offer you peace:
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” – Isaiah 43:2-3a
